Kido Dong, CC0, via Unsplash This collection has over a hundred and fifty captions and quotes that you can use to show the world just how sarcastic you are. Not everyone will understand, but at least you’ll be able to enjoy yourself. After all, ironic comments and satirical remarks are often tempered by humor. So without further ado, let the mocking and sneering begin!
The Best Sarcastic Captions
Always remember that if you’re no good, then you can still be used as a bad example. Actually, the entire universe does revolve around me! Being hated and ignored makes my life a whole lot easier to manage. Cancel my subscription! Your issues are not worth my time and effort. Check back in about five years. By then, maybe I’ve started to care. Curing the world one sarcastic comment at a time. Deep inside, I know that my my heart is golden. But this mouth of mine? That’s another story. Do you know what I like about humans? Their dogs. Don’t let anyone tell you that you’re not in shape. By the end of the day, “round” is still a shape. Don’t take my insults seriously. I’m just being sarcastic. Excuse me, I know this is hell, but may I ask which floor? Even the devil stops working just to admire my work. Ever wondered why I don’t have a welcome mat at my door? It’s because I’m not a liar. Every so often, I meet people and feel bad for their pets. Find your calm before I totally lose mine. For some reason, you look really when my eyes are closed. Forgive and forget? I’m neither God nor an amnesiac. Hush, nobody cares! I really want to be a nice person, but this mouth of mine never cooperates. If I light you a candle and offer you flowers, will you go away? If there’s trouble wherever you go, then guess what? In many instances, I wish I have enough middle fingers to go around with. Indeed, sarcasm falls out of my mouth just as stupid falls from other people. Just because my intelligence is beyond your understanding doesn’t mean I’m sarcastic. Let’s keep the bullsht to a minimum today, okay? My circle of connections is really small! One time, I almost cut myself off of it. My favorite kind of people are those who reply to my sarcasm with their sarcasm. Not a bad person. But dangerously atrocious, nonetheless. Not sarcastic. Just brutally honest. Oh, look what I found! It’s your nose all up in my goddamn business again! Patience, dear. I’m already fcking things up as fast as I can. People talk behind my back, and I’m just here like: “Wow, I’ve got a fan club!” People think I’m funny, but I’m really not. I’m actually pretty mean, but they always think I’m joking. Perhaps, I’m not made of sugar and spice, but of sarcasm and brazenness. Stopped fighting my inner demons long ago. We’re on the same side now. Tell me how I have upset you. For future reference, mostly. The devil doesn’t need to lead me into temptation because I already know the way. The reason why I take hot showers is so that I can get used to the feeling of burning in hell. The smarter you are, the nicer I am. Unfortunately, I don’t take orders. I hardly even take suggestions. What? I don’t speak idiot! When I asked God for divine punishment, I met you the next day. Why am I always late? Because good things always take time. Why attend someone’s funeral if they aren’t going to attend yours? Who says I’m crazy? The voices keep reassuring me that I’m perfectly sane. Will I be awarded bonus points if I act like I’m actually concerned? You don’t fancy me? Well, it does take good judgment and a classy pair of discerning eyes to do so.
Sarcastic Quotes That You Can Use as Captions
A psychologist can’t fix stupidity. Apparently, it’s not a disorder that is recognized. Always remember that you’re unique. Same as everyone else. Avoid arguing with fools. At a distance, spectators can’t tell which one is which. Be very careful of humans. Friends and enemies can easily change sides at the drop of a hat. Being misunderstood all the time doesn’t automatically make you an artist. Being proficient in sarcasm means you can insult idiots without them ever realizing it. Common sense is like deodorant. The people who need it most never use it. Despite sarcasm being one of the most basic form of audacity, it remains to be the funniest. Don’t worry too much about what other people think. They don’t really do it that often. Early to bed and early to rise just means you weren’t invited to the party. Everyone brings joy in a room. Some, by entering. And some, by leaving. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them. Facing a problem is a whole lot harder when the problem is your face. Good judgment comes from experience. And experience? Well, that comes from poor judgment. Grammar is simply the difference between knowing your sht and knowing you’re sht. Have no fear of perfection. You’ll never reach it anyway. Hideousness can be fixed. Idiocy, on the other hand, is forever. If stupidity was a profession, then we’d have a world full of billionaires. If you still haven’t encountered the devil, then there’s a big chance you’ll both meet at the end of the road. In hell, that is. In the absence of protons, neutrons, electrons, and morons, the universe wouldn’t exist. It’s all thanks to sarcasm that we can smack people right in the face with words. Learning sarcasm is like learning a secret language. You can use it to throw up mean words without ever getting in trouble. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until they speak. Many rich people are really just janitors and custodians of their own possessions. No, you’re not ugly. Your face is probably just out of fashion. Not expecting anything means you’ll never be disappointed in your life. Occasionally, there comes people who really need a high five. On the head. With a baseball bat. People say sarcasm is the barest form of wittiness. And that comes from the people who barely understands it. Physical attractiveness is only skin deep. But ugliness? That goes right to the bone! Quite a number of people are human versions of the migraine. It’s best to steer clear of them at all costs! Silence is golden. But duct tape? Now that’s silver. Some people are like treasure chests. You just can’t help wanting to bury them in dirt. Some people really do want you alive, especially those who you took out loans from. Stalking is such a strong word. Let’s call it social research. Support bacteria! They’re the only culture some people have. Tact is for humans who aren’t clever enough to wield the power of sarcasm. Take a selfie. Fake a life. There’s a fine like between being tanned, and looking like you rolled in barbecue sauce. Time flies by when you’re insulting people. Try not to take yourself too seriously. No one else does. Use sarcasm as often as needed. It not only kindles joy, it also releases frustration in a comical way. Violence is definitely not the solution. It’s just part of the equation. We were all built with a defense mechanism against stupidity. It’s called sarcasm. When life slams a door in your face, just open it again. Doors work like that. Without sarcasm, bickering with idiots just ain’t gonna be as much fun.
Funny and Witty Sarcastic Captions
A long time ago, there was me living a happy and peaceful life. And then sht happened! And here we go fcking again! I mean good day to all of you. Apparently, rock bottom has a basement. Beating up people is illegal, so yeah, let’s just use sarcasm. Better grab my dumbrella. It’s raining stupid outside today. Clapping not because I liked it, but because it’s finally over. Closed minds should come with closed mouths, right? Every person on Earth has the right to be stupid, but some are really abusing the privilege. Everything I love either costs too much, is prohibited, or doesn’t message back. Fortunately, mirrors can’t talk. You should be thankful that they can’t laugh either. Go to hell? But it’s too early for me to go home. Here you go! It’s a bowl of sarcasm. Here, hold my dignity. I’ve got some sketchy things to do. I’m not late. I’m just early for tomorrow. If I haven’t pissed you off yet, just wait for your turn patiently. I will get to you shortly. Just as stupidity is infinite, sarcasm also is. Just burned a lot of calories trying to avoid someone. What a great workout! Laughter can cure the world, so go out there and show your face for everyone to see! Let’s share. You take the grenade, I take the pin. Life is a soup and I’m a frigging fork! Life is really good. You should get one. Lord, give the strength to tolerate stupid people today. Losing ten pounds is a piece of cake! Only fifteen pounds to go! Money talks, and mine keeps bidding me farewell. My parents raised no fool! They raised a psychotic, cold-hearted, sexy beast, yeah, but definitely not a fool. Of course I speak gibberish! How else would you be able to understand me? Once I finish tinkering this device that lets you smack people in the face over the internet, I’ll be filthy rich! Only you can provide what I desperately want—your absence. People should appreciate the gargantuan effort I put in to not becoming a homicidal maniac. Revenge doesn’t suit my style. I prefer accidents. Sarcasm is my mother tongue. Slapping idiots would be animal abuse, so I try to restrain myself. Sometimes, I question my sanity. Occasionally, it replies. Somewhere in the world, my soulmate is pushing a push door. I just know it! Sorry if I pissed you off. Rest assured that it will happen again. Talking to myself. Because who else will? The garbage collector is coming tomorrow. Ready yourself. They give me questions I don’t know, so I give them answers they don’t know. This is my cup of care. Oh, would you look at that! It’s empty! Too sober for all the sh*t that’s happening today. Who says I’m supposed to be same person I was seven minutes ago? Would you look at that! My imaginary friend has arrived to the conclusion that you have serious mental problems. Yawning is a sign that I’m interested. So go on, keep talking. You call this fat? I call it a 1-pack! Zombies love devouring brains. Don’t worry, you’re safe.
Sarcastic Captions for Selfies
Agreeing with an idiot means we’d both be wrong. Always an awkward moment when your sarcasm is so advanced that it makes you look stupid. Am I a hot mess? Nope, I’m a spicy disaster! Be my guest and leave. Becoming religious means I can now pray for my enemies to burn in eternal hellfire. Calm? Me? But I’ve murdered you inside my mind a hundred times already! Come closer and look at my face. Does it look like I care? Did it really hurt when I called you stupid? Again, I’m really sorry. I thought you knew all along. Disagree with me all you want. Being right doesn’t mean everything. Do you find me saucy and offensive? Then I suggest you quit finding me. Does running out of fcks count as cardio? Even when you’re not here, I feel just as miserable. It’s like you’re here. Everyone sounds better when their mouths are shut tight. Everyone would be in good shape if they ran as much as their mouth. Feed your own ego. I’m busy! Flattered that you’re jealous of me. Go ahead, underestimate me. I’m sure it’ll be fun. I find it funny, but I’ve forgotten how to laugh. Damn! I would certainly be a morning person if I woke up in the morning. If karma doesn’t hit you like a truck, I’ll be willing to hit you like an airplane. If your phone doesn’t ring, that’s probably me. Just because I look indifferent doesn’t mean I don’t understand. Keep rolling your eyes. Perhaps you’ll find a brain back there. Last time I checked, I didn’t care about anything. And nope, I still don’t care. My alone time is for your own safety. My loyalty can never be bought. It can be rented though. Just name the price! My sarcastic retorts are free of charge! Come get your now! Notify me when I’m starting to look like I care. I really don’t want to give off the wrong impression. Oh, no one told you? Perhaps, it’s none of your damn business! One thing I know is sarcasm is painful euphemism. Patience is a virtue. Not my virtue though. People will ask stupid questions no matter what. I guess it’s my legal obligation to offer them sarcastic remarks. Perhaps, I’m wrong? But, I doubt it. Pretending to like people is taking a toll on my energy reserves. Ready in five minutes? Me? I doubt it. Remember when I asked for your sentiments? Me neither. Shut your trap when you’re speaking to me. Think I’m mean, audacious, and sarcastic? Well, watch me pretend to care! Unless you’re an internet search engine, it’d be wise to stop acting like you know everything. What a beautiful day to just leave me the fck alone. What doesn’t kill you, disappoints me profoundly! Why do people say I act like I don’t care? I’m not acting! Woah, I almost gave a fck! Scared the sht out of me! You find the words that come out of mouth offensive? Ha! Imagine all the stuff that I’m still holding back. You don’t like me? Oh sh*t, no way! I’m gonna die! I can’t live like this! Just kidding.
